One Week Later...

I can hardly fathom that it's already been one week since my sweet Hunter came into this world, and quietly left it. It feels like it just happened minutes ago, yet somehow, despite all the sorrow, the anger, the grief, time has managed to keep passing. Part of me is amazed that we have survived this time, but the other half of me almost mourns that the world has somehow continued to keep turning while I still feel so...stuck. It truly amazes me, the few times that I have been out in public, how happy people are. My loss feels so consuming that I cannot imagine how the entire world hasn't felt some sort of shift, that life has continued on as if nothing ever happened. I've had my moments where I almost feel "normal" again, times where I've smiled and laughed, and I am forced to fight the feelings of guilt that accompany those brief moments of happiness I've felt. The logical part of my brain tells me that it's irrational to feel guilt, but my heart feels otherwise. I know my son would not want me to stop living my life, but it feels unfair that I get to keep on living and he was only granted such a short period of time. I'm thankful that he has surpassed the pain and suffering that accompanies this world, but that doesn't change the fact that my arms physically ache to hold him. There's a profound sense of loneliness, though I'm surrounded by those that love and care for me. I miss having him inside me. That is where the sense of emptiness comes from. I miss feeling his movements, the reassuring flutters that were like unspoken words between the two of us, "Yes, mommy, I'm here, I'm ok." With how sick I was during the majority of my short lived pregnancy, I never in a million years would have thought that I'd miss being pregnant. But now, oh...I miss it. I long for that flutter in my belly, that unspoken camaraderie with other women who are pregnant, that sense of never being alone. It's hard going out in public, or watching TV, and seeing pregnant women or women with their babies. It tugs at my heart in such a painful, longing way. And I'm finding myself really struggling with the "what if's". I was told Hunter came early due to an incompetent cervix. I've been doing some research about this condition, and I can't help but feel that if I had only been given a pelvic exam the first time I was taken to the ER, or at least immediately when I was at the ER the second visit, my Hunter could have been saved. I'm trying to trust in my Heavenly Father, and that this was all part of some divine plan, but right now, the comfort that brings me is minimal. It doesn't do much to ease the overwhelming sorrow my heart feels right now. I'm trying so hard to be strong, to rely on my faith, but I just want my baby. Being a mother has been my lifelong dream, and when we found out Hunter was coming, I felt as though all my dreams were coming true. Now, they're just shattered. I want to have another baby so badly. But I'm terrified to set myself up for the possibility of going through this pain again. I know that there are steps that my doctors and myself can take to prevent this, and I pray to God that He allows me the opportunity to have a healthy, full-term baby. I don't know if I could handle going through this again. We're told that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so I'm going to try and trust that. Though most of the time, I feel as though I'm breaking, and can't bear this cross that I've been asked to carry. I know that I will see Hunter again, but it won't be soon enough, and that's what is hard. I've got a lifetime to live, though I know for him, it will be like just a few hours apart. Mommy misses you baby boy!