Two Months and a Lifetime Later

It's been such an emotional week, for many reasons. The two month angelversary of my son returning to his heavenly home, me returning to work, the anniversary of the worst attack on U.S. soil....just so many emotions and lots of reflection. Tomorrow will also be mine and my husband's third and final counseling session. Going to counseling has been such a positive thing for us and I'm so glad that we decided to take that step for ourselves. It's not easy starting out a marriage with such a huge loss and all the stress that comes along with it. Thankfully, we already had a strong foundation for our relationship and we have only grown closer together, a conscious choice we made, refusing to let our loss tear us apart. Our counselor has been wonderful and feels that Tay and I are handling things very well. Sometimes, I think you just need affirmation that the things you are feeling and thinking and experiencing are all "normal" parts of the grieving process. Even the times when you feel like you aren't handling things with the grace that you would like to, you're still grieving "normally", whatever that means. We've been able to really talk through certain feelings we both have, and have that third party, outside input that comes from an unbiased and educated place. It's been a real blessing for us I think. As we are slowly starting to pick up the pieces of our lives and work towards becoming somewhat functioning human beings, I have to say that I am SO proud of myself and of my husband. We are surviving what I felt was unsurvivable. I still remember so vividly the events of July 9th and 10th, and then burying our son on the 15th, and thinking "There is no way I'm strong enough for this." And yet, here we are. Is it easy? Definitely not. Our lives are forever altered and changed. We will never be the same people we were before, and we will be grieving this loss for the rest of our lives. It won't always be as intense as it has been, but that loss will ALWAYS be here. That alone is a very bitter pill to swallow. Coming to the realization that we aren't just going to wake up one day and be okay and be our old selves has been part of this process. We aren't only grieving the loss of our son and the future with him, but we're grieving our old life, our old selves. It's a complete and total loss of identity, and we're having to find who we are again. But we are doing it and we are doing it together. We are moving forward, some days slower than others, but we're working on it. And that in and of itself is such a huge accomplishment. We both still have our triggers that bring the pain to the surface so easily, but I think we are able to recognize WHY we are feeling what we feel and that is such a powerful thing. Some days we both put on a smiling face, though we're dying a little on the inside, but sometimes you have to "fake it til' you make it". My husband has been my rock and my lifeline. And I hope that I have been a support to him as well. I'm just so immensely proud of him and how he has handled this trial in our lives. One of the emotions that I still have to work through is feelings of guilt, and Taylor has been so amazing with talking me through the times when I feel that emotion so strongly. I could not have been blessed with a more perfect match. I miss my son immensely and some days my arms ache so much to hold him and that feeling of loss becomes a deep empty pit in my chest, but I feel so strongly that Heavenly Father has more children waiting for us. I can't wait to be able to experience motherhood again, and hopefully we will be blessed with healthy pregnancies and children. It's scary to think about getting pregnant again, knowing the depth of pain we experienced with the loss of our first son, but the desire to add to our little family far outweighs the fear.