Why It's So Much More Than Weight Loss

When my husband and I first started seeing our grief counselor, one of the topics we discussed was how Hunter's loss had affected me and my body image. As a woman, you have certain expectations about pregnancy and childbirth, it's what your body is made for after all, right? When your body fails you, especially the way mine did, you question your value as a woman. In fact, I had a serious hatred for my body at first. I couldn't appreciate the fact that I had conceived a child, carried that child for 20 weeks, all I could focus on was the negative. My body had failed me, it had failed my son, and his loss affected so many others around me. I put the weight of his immense loss on my shoulders, and wore the shame of my body's ineptitude like a heavy coat. Not only had my body failed me, but now it was permanently changed. I looked different. Stretch marks on my stomach, pants that didn't fit though my weight quickly returned to pre-pregnancy status because I could barely bring myself to eat for weeks after Hunter's passing. When my milk came in, I sat and wept. It was the final straw. When you're pregnant and see your body going through these changes you have the mentality of "Well, it'll all be worth it when my baby is here." My baby wasn't here. And the anger and distrust I had towards my body only increased with every noticeable physical change. As time went by, and I was given the all-clear from my doctor to return to normal activity and resume working out, I was frustrated that things that used to require hardly any effort or energy were now exhausting and difficult. In discussing all these feelings with our counselor, she reminded me of something very important: these feelings of worthlessness, of not feeling deserving or of value all come from the adversary. She reminded me that this is how Satan works to try and tear women down, by making us feel like because physically we don't match up with some form of ideal, that we are not worthy of joy, of love, of happiness. These words have stuck with me. I'm still a work in progress, I am slowly learning to trust in myself again, to love who I am, and love my body and that is why this journey is so much more than seeing a number on a scale go down. I'm taking the power back. I had no control over losing Hunter. My body has a weakness, we all have them to varying degrees. I might not be able to control THAT particular aspect of my life, but I can control how I treat my body. My body carried life, and I so desperately want it to be able to do so again. I can't fix my I.C. without a cerclage, but I can sure as hell ensure that I am otherwise mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually in a much better place. I want to nourish and take care of my body; it is sacred, it is beautiful, and it is deserving of care and love. It's not going to be about how many pounds I lose one week, or how long I run for tomorrow, it is all about how I feel about myself. I want to fall in love with me again and I am bound and determined to find that serenity again within my own skin. This is all part of the healing process, and I know that every step I have taken since Hunter's passing has only made me stronger and a more powerful force in this world. I hope that end up a better wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend, and ultimately, a better mother because of it. As Dory says, "Just keep swimming" and I intend to.