A Baby Girl

I really get emotional just thinking about it: I have a daughter. I have a son AND a daughter. It's been an interesting journey getting to this half way mark in this pregnancy. It's been, up to this point, familiar. But now we're in uncharted territory, a part of pregnancy I've never been to before. It hasn't been without it's eventful moments, most especially the emotional roller coaster we took a ride on the day we found out baby was a girl. I literally have no words for the moment when my doctor told me there was something wrong with the baby. I'm so thankful that what he originally suspected turned out to be something much less serious, and something that would not risk baby girl's life. As I sat in the hospital, waiting for my second ultrasound, watching the other pregnant mom's walk by, I felt so utterly and completely defeated. My mind was frozen yet racing, which I didn't think was possible. I was flooded with thoughts of another funeral, another little casket, but this time in pink. Another baby I would be laying to rest in the cold ground, instead of in a warm bassinet. I was broken in that moment. Up until this point, I have to admit that the bond I've felt with this baby has been different than it was with Hunter. I know I am not alone in this experience, as I've heard from other mothers who have had to bury a child, it is simply your heart's way of protecting itself from the pain it previously experienced. Pregnancy is the most beautiful challenge any woman can experience. But unfortunately, when you've lost a baby, some of the shine disappears. Before Hunter, I thought that it was all a pretty simple process, you get pregnant, you stay pregnant for 40 weeks or so, and then you have a baby. For many, many women that is indeed the case. For others of us, it is not so simple. I've often had moments of guilt, feeling like maybe I love Hunter more, or maybe I'm not capable of loving another baby like I love the one I never got to bring home. It wasn't until I feared losing my daughter that I realized the depth of the love I already feel for her. Maybe that is what I needed to allow myself to love as completely as I'm able to. I still worry about the safety of this baby, not just from her diagnosis of a cyst, but I also still don't trust my body as completely capable, though it definitely helps knowing I'm taking and have taken the necessary steps to assist my body in this process. Even with my fears, I'm going to allow myself to be excited. And I am. I am so overwhelmingly ecstatic to have a little girl. I also feel such an overwhelming responsibility knowing that we are going to have a daughter. It just feels so different from having a son, not better, or more exciting, just...different. I want her to grow up strong and independent, always knowing that her value is so much more than a number on a scale, or how many boys want to date her, or what the world's perception of her beauty is. There's something about a new baby that brings so much hope and promise. I want so many things for her, but most of all I want her to be free to be who she is. And to know that she will be loved unconditionally for herself. I have a feeling she is going to be a sassy little thing, and will probably give me a taste of my own medicine. I hope I can be the mother I want to be, and be the best example I can be for this little girl. She has her big brother Hunter who will always be watching over her, and though it breaks my heart that I'll never have all my babies in my arms here on Earth, I know as our family here on Earth grows, it will only make the reunion up above that more amazing.