No One Ever Said It Would Be Easy

I have to admit, lately I've found it very easy to set myself up with a little pity party. It's been really difficult to pull myself up and not let the weight of my trials get me down. Being who I am, this struggle to feel grateful and appreciative of all the good has left me feeling guilty. Here I am, pregnant with my second child, a baby girl, and I can't get over feeling how unfair it is that I see so many others around me just having healthy babies, and having seemingly "easy" pregnancies. After Hunter passed away, I couldn't stand seeing a round, beautiful, pregnant belly. Seeing mothers with their babies just tore me apart. When I got pregnant with this baby girl, it admittedly helped ease that pain. As we've progressed with this pregnancy however, and have gone through various ups and downs, first thinking that baby girl had a fatal bladder blockage, to the diagnosis of it being a cyst but still not knowing where the cyst is originating from, in addition to the cerclage placement and weekly hormone injections....I just find myself wondering what it is like to have a "normal" pregnancy. I know all mothers feel some anxiety and worry during their pregnancies. I remember that anxiety with Hunter, though I also recall the immense relief I felt when I entered the second trimester and felt like I was completely safe and nothing could go wrong. I remember the joy and the excitement that was there as I relished in the life growing within me. It breaks my heart because that joy and excitement is tainted now by the knowledge of what can and does go wrong. The carefree innocence we had with that first pregnancy no longer exists and I yearn to be able to feel that same magic I felt the first time. I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel the same way about a pregnancy that I did with Hunter. I know from speaking with other moms who have gone through a loss that this all part of our new normal. It's hard to allow yourself to get attached, and I think especially when your only experience with pregnancy and birth correlates with absolute heartache and pain. I don't know what it is like to get pregnant, go through a full-term pregnancy, and bring a baby home. I always wanted a big family, I always said I wanted 6 kids, and with facing the reality of how emotionally and physically challenging my pregnancies will be, it makes me sad because I don't think I'll be able to have as many children as I always envisioned happening. Now that we're almost 24 weeks, I'm well into unknown territory. And I still am not at a point where I can really feel comfortable doing much planning for the future with a new baby. I love getting outfits and bows and pretty little girl things for this baby, and while these few things we have for her make me smile, there is also a voice in the back of my head that says "better keep the receipt, just in case." And without fail, every time we stop at the baby department, and we're oooo-ing and awwww-ing over the pink frilly items, my eye still wanders over to blue. Especially lately, and I don't know why, but the void of Hunter's absence has felt so fresh and raw. Easter was a lot harder than I had expected it to be, and maybe it's just the carry over of all those emotions, but many tears have been shed lately by not just me, but my husband as well. We're both missing our son so acutely, and I feel like as we get closer and closer to our baby girl being born, that emotion is only going to grow. It's very bittersweet getting to this point of viability in this pregnancy. It's comforting knowing that any and every medical intervention would be made to stop and delay labor should I go into preterm labor, not to mention the steps that would be taken to try and save baby girl's life if she did end up being born early. It does however, bring up so many feelings about what happened with Hunter, from the total lack of medical help we were given at the hospital, to being made to feel like he wasn't a person yet and therefore wasn't worth those steps to save because we were only at 20 weeks. I'm very thankful for a husband who is willing to be open and share his grief with me. It's such a comfort to know that I am not alone in this. There comes a point after a loss where it just really feels like everyone else has moved on, and when you're still treading water in your pool of grief, it starts to feel very lonely. I think especially now that we're pregnant again, it's like most people really do think it's like a magic band aid and that we should just be completely "over it" and just so thankful to have this baby. We are very thankful, and now how blessed we are. This is our second baby in the course of a year, and that's nothing short of a gift from above. But I cannot stress enough how unbelievably hard pregnancy after loss is. It's so much more than I could have ever expected, in so many ways. And some days I really find myself crumbling under the emotional weight and stress of it all. It gets frustrating at times because I feel like there are very few people who I can express these feelings to without getting a response of how thankful I should be, and how lucky we are to get another baby. Sometimes you just need to vent and have your feelings validated. I truly do know that this baby girl is a beautiful blessing, and I am SO thankful for this experience, but I think it's only human to wonder what this experience would be like under different circumstances. I had this notion at the beginning of this pregnancy that we'd get the cerclage, we'd do the hormone injections, and that would take care of all the problems and it would be a lovely smooth experience. I guess I just feel a little disillusioned because that is not how it has turned out. I lost Hunter because of a weakness in the way my body was made, and I didn't anticipate for a minute that we'd experience having a doctor tell us that there was something wrong with this baby. All a mom wants for her child is to be healthy and happy, and it really is so hard knowing that even with all these preventative measures on my end, this baby girl is not necessarily safe from certain hardships that could occur shortly after she is born due to this cyst in her abdomen. Whether she loses an ovary because of it, or a kidney, both will affect her life. There is still plenty of time for a miracle, for this cyst to just go away, and I will continue to pray for that. I will continue to pray for the strength to handle what has been given to me. I will continue to pray that I will learn whatever it is I am meant to learn from this. I will pray for a more positive and happy outlook. And I pray that I can keep my sanity for the next 3 months.