Father's Day

After we lost Hunter, one thing I noticed very quickly was that people would always ask me how I was doing, how I was coping, and even with my husband standing right next to me, very rarely was he asked the same questions. It seemed most of the focus fell on me at that time, and I think it probably still does in many ways. People will ask me how I'm feeling about this new pregnancy, how I'm handling the emotions. And again, oftentimes, it seems the other half of this equation is left out. The thing is, it wasn't just me that experienced this loss, just as it isn't just me coping and working through the ocean of emotions that come with a pregnancy after the loss of a baby. There are still bumps in the road of our grief, but those days that are a little more tender and raw are definitely holidays. Mother's Day was a hard one for me, as I remembered how I felt last year, pregnant with my firstborn, and relishing what this year would be like with my 6 month old baby. It was a day filled with "what ifs" and imaging how different that day should have been. I was, and am, so appreciative of those family and friends who acknowledged the hardship of that holiday, who didn't just dismiss my emotions because I am now pregnant again, and who made me feel like a real mother. I want to do the same for my husband now. It's Father's Day and our baby boy isn't here. Our little girl is healthy and growing and will be joining us in just a few short weeks, but there is an emptiness that no other children will fill. I know my husband misses our son just as much as I do, maybe more in some ways. I think every man wants a son that he can build Lego's with and teach them to throw a football. Tay was convinced that Hunter was going to be a girl, and honestly, I think he was a little disappointed when the ultrasound technician pointed out that he was clearly a boy. But that quickly changed. He was, and is, so thrilled to be a daddy. He loves his babies more than anything, and seeing how he loves his children has only made my love for him grow. In a week we will be celebrating our first wedding anniversary. I've heard that the first year is the hardest, and in our case, I really, really hope that's true. We had only been married for 17 days when Hunter unexpectedly joined us for the hour and forty minutes of his Earthly existence. We were still getting used to being married, adjusting to living with my parents, and then this huge, life changing, soul shattering event happened. We could have easily been torn apart by this, but I have to give credit to my amazing husband for helping save me and pulling me back from the brink. He not only let me cry on his shoulder, he encouraged it. He made me open up about how I was feeling when all I wanted to do was bury my head under the blankets and shut everything out and keep everything in. He was truly my rock. And he still is. I'm so thankful for his willingness to cry, to share his emotions with me. He's never been afraid of being vulnerable. He talks openly about our son to anyone and everyone who will listen. Every night before he falls asleep he tells Hunter he loves him. He will never know how much that truly means to me. He mourns with me still, we cry together when we need to. And I know no matter what, he will never let our son be forgotten. I can't imagine being in his shoes during this process, keeping me from going off the deep end, while managing his own feelings and grief. In some ways, I think maybe the fathers have a harder time with the loss of a child. There are certain expectations placed upon them, they're supposed to be these pillars of strength and support, yet their hearts are just as broken. So to my love, my forever sweetheart, I honor you on this Father's Day, and every day. I know it will be a bittersweet day, but I hope you take pride in knowing that you are of the highest caliber of men. It takes a special kind of man to be a father to an angel, and husband to a woman who is not he same person you married. You do it all brilliantly, and though I know you have days where you feel down and like you're not succeeding in these rolls, I guarantee you are. Thank you for being who you are, thank you for my babies, and thank you for standing by my side through the darkness and the light. You make your son so proud. You make me so proud. And I have no doubt this baby girl will see you as the sun and moon of her world. This day is for you, and I hope you feel our boy close. We're yours, eternally. Forebers and ebers.