Love At First Sight: The Ultrasound

Tuesday was my very first appointment with my OB and everything was going perfectly. Until...the Doppler was put into use. The doctor just couldn't seem to find the heartbeat. Now, I had had serious anxiety about this happening for weeks. I just didn't want to have that moment of panic. And here I was, experiencing exactly what I had been dreading since finding out I was pregnant. The doctor really wasn't too concerned, everything during his examination was as it should be, I've still been sicker than a dog 75% of the time, and I hadn't experienced anything to suggest a miscarriage. But, thankfully, I think he could see the panic and fear in both my face and Taylor's, and was kind enough to send us down for an ultrasound for our peace of mind. As a first time mama, I have found anxiety and worry to be a constant pebble in my shoe. It lingers like a fog behind all the joy and excitement I feel, just waiting in the wings to overpower my sunshine-y day. So we were ecstatic to be able to have an ultrasound, but utterly disappointed and frustrated to have to wait almost 3 hours to have said ultrasound performed. Those were the longest hours of my life. I made the mistake of doing my own research on possible reasons for why no heartbeat was found, and really nothing I found did anything to ebb my growing panic and worry, it just increased every fear I could imagine. I had come to a point of preparing myself for the worst, which is typical me. By the time we left to go back to the ultrasound, I had to tell myself "Don't throw up, don't throw up" I was so tightly wound and jumpy. All I wanted was a healthy, growing baby. It's amazing the love you feel for your child, from the very beginning. I knew I'd be shattered if that ultrasound did not go well. Thankfully it didn't take long for us to be called back to the U/S room in Radiology, and I think I held my breath the entire time the tech was prepping me and the machine for the ultrasound. Now, from the lowest of lows, the most anxious moments of my life to the absolute most beautiful and surreal: seeing that little heart flutter. I thought that I'd experienced the greatest flood of emotion when I was first told I was pregnant, and boy was I wrong. I wish I could capture the overflowing of love and joy my heart felt at that moment, and keep it in a bottle. It was perfect. I was there with Tay, holding my hand, and we were watching our miracle. Hearing that heart beat was like every wish and dream I've ever had coming true. I know this is just the beginning, that there are many more milestones to come in this life and my role as a mother, but I want to always remember this moment. This moment where I first realized the depth of a mother's love, just the very tip of that ocean, and how it changed me forever. I'm so glad that Tay was there to share this moment with me. It was the most spiritual, life-altering experience. I feel humbled and blessed to be given this opportunity to be a mother, and I pray for the guidance and strength and wisdom to help my child grow into the person they are meant to be. And I hope my child always knows that I wanted them, that I prayed for them, that I loved them more than my own life from the minute I knew I was expecting them.