He's Just Not That Into You...MIND=BLOWN

Due to the fact that I have been taken down by a horrendous stomach flu, I spent the day in bed, dying, and watching reruns of Sex and the City, the Sex and the City movie, He's Just Not That Into You, and The Holiday. Needless to say, I'm on estrogen overload. But in fact, all the relationship themed eye fodder has really got me thinking. I did read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" last year. My copy of that book is even thoroughly highlighted in an attempt to permanently alter my female psyche in order to ward off the heartache that comes from chasing after a guy who really is not that into you. Alas, I have let myself forget the mind blowing lessons that I learned from that book. Being a woman is an interesting, interesting thing. My FAVORITE part is the whole over analyzing thing that we all do, about EVERYTHING. "Oh my gosh, did you see the way he looked at me? Was that like an "I love you" look or like an "I am pondering her beauty look" or maybe he just had something in his cornea?" And then of course, we drag our friends into it. And God bless em, they do their best. We all do. But at the end of the day, we rarely EVER tell them the truth! How many times do we wish that someone would just look us in the eye, at that moment when we're trying to make excuses for that douche bag guy who did something horrible, and just say "Honey, he's just NOT that into you. Now let him go and go out and find someone who is totally, completely, and irrevocably INTO YOU." Even months after a love affair ends, its like the analyzing still continues. I know I've done it, in fact, I'm still doing it right now! "What if I had said this? What did he mean by that? Maybe he got scared? Maybe I should have done this? What if this hadn't happened? He said this, but then he did that, what does that mean?" TORTURE! Seriously! What the hell is wrong with us girls??? I think its so hard to just admit that maybe, just maybe, you cared about someone much much more than they ever did about you, and thats why we torture ourselves with trying to come up with some creative answer to why that one guy didn't fall head over heels in love with you. At the end of the day though, why do we chase after these guys? There is nothing stronger than a woman's desire to stay with a man who does not deserve her. And why? Why do we chase after the one's who run? We're the ones who are supposed to be chased. One of my favorite lines from "He's Just Not That Into You" (the book version) is "Don't waste the pretty." AMEN. I'm working on this. It all comes down to realizing that you deserve the best. Its so cliche to say it, but so hard to actually follow through with that. Every rejection, every heartbreak seems to chip away at that self-worth. And sometimes, instead of taking the time to self-heal, we move right along to the next douchie guy who gives us attention. And thus continues the horrid cycle. From now on, I am seriously going to do my best to remember that guys are simple, simple beings. If they see something they want, they'll go after it. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. And if a guy doesn't think I'm the best thing ever (which I am), then onto the next one. Its nothing to do with me, nor is it really anything about him, sometimes...there's just nothing there. And I definitely, DEFINITELY, will not allow a guy to treat me like an option, like a secret, like I'm disposable. The end. BAM.

The Lord Looketh on the Heart

About a month ago, I decided to get my second tattoo. I chose "No Regrets, No Expectations". Its from a quote that I read at the beginning of the year, and which has come to mean so much to me. This year has been such an interesting one. I've experienced a lot, I've learned even more, and I've grown. Because of the profound year I've had, I decided to sort of pay homage to the trials and growth that I've experienced and chose to do so in the form of ink on my back. I absolutely love this tattoo and could not be happier with my decision. In my opinion, a tattoo should have meaning and this tattoo has so much meaning I cannot even begin to explain it all. I knew when I made the decision to do this that I would have parents who would be less than thrilled. When I got my first tattoo, my mother hardly spoke to me for three days. It goes against strongly held religious beliefs, which I personally have mixed views on, and I knew that they would be upset. When I showed my mom, her exact words were "What the hell?" and she NEVER curses. She then proceeded to ask what it meant and though I tried to explain its meaning to her, she did not understand. She asked "So you don't regret the bad things you've done?" and I don't think she appreciated the fact that I don't feel as if I've done "bad things". In her eyes, I've sinned. I drink, on occasion, I don't attend church regularly, and I've altered my body with tattoos. Therefore, I must not be in commune with my God. Thus began our "scripture war." She came to me with a scripture about God not being close to the wicked, I believe the scripture was in The New Testament in John. The scripture I gave to her to read was in 1 Samuel 16:7 which reads:

"But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."

Those around me might see my tattoos and piercings and make assumptions based on the way I look. They might say, "Well, the prophet said no tattoos and piercings and you went out and did it anyway" as if it was an act of rebellion. God knows my intent. God knows why I did what I did, and God loves me still, tattoos, piercings, and all my "sins". I get a little frustrated with the black and white stance on right and wrong. I think there is a HUGE area of grey. For example, it is a commandment "Thou shalt not kill", yet, there are circumstances where one MUST kill, whether it be in self defense, war, etc. There are times when it is necessary. I feel that when President Hinckley said no tattoos and only one piercing per ear for girls, it was at a time when people were beginning to take those things to an extreme. People were making permanent decisions without thinking through the consequences. My tattoos have been very well thought out and have such deep, almost spiritual meaning to me, that I could never consider them to be something sinful. They are an expression of who I am, and what I've been through. God knows this. God knows me better than anyone, and he certainly knows me even better than I know myself. I don't doubt that those loved ones who frown upon my decisions and who make comments do so out of concern and love. But at the end of the day, we all have to be able to live with ourselves and our decisions and who we are and I feel like I am being true to myself. I can't live my life for those around me. I'm at peace with God and I'm working at being at peace with myself. The God I believe in is a loving, caring God who wants nothing but happiness for His children. And he's a God who certainly wouldn't turn his back from one of His daughters simply because she has two tattoos. He knows why I have them, and He knows their importance to me. He doesn't care if I'm not a model, too short, too tall, too fat, too thin, ugly, pretty, smart, dumb, pierced and tattooed from head to toe, or completely blemish free. Who we are is not our appearance, but its the way we treat others, how much love we give, the way we handle trials and tribulations. I refuse to be defined by what is seen visually. I'm so much more than a girl with tattoos. I'm a daughter of God. And only He can judge me.

If Only My Life Was a Jane Austen Novel....

I yearn for simpler times. I remember what it felt like before my first heartbreak. I loved romance. My first love was Rhett Butler. In fact, I was Scarlett O'Hara for Halloween when I was in the first grade. THE FIRST GRADE PEOPLE! Then I began my obsession with Jane Austen novels. Love and passion abounded, and I was hopeful and admittedly, extremely confident that my own great and epic love story would unfold, and would most likely involve someone with a British accent. Alas, twas not so. Enter the Jr. High school years. Its like a dark, smelly, angst ridden time in every one's past, that at least for me, would take more money than Oprah has in order to get me to revisit it. Enter the beginning of romantic disillusionment. There is no such thing as romance in middle school. Its just a bunch of boys trying to figure out what to do with that new and different tingle they feel in their pants. And a bunch of girls who are convinced that if they do what the boy wants, he will love them eternally and they will get married right out of high school and live happily ever after, OMG so perfect. Thankfully, you make it through those three years and proceed to enter what feels like semi-adulthood when you walk through the doors of your high school. At this point, I think most boys figure out that they gotta work a little bit harder to get the ladies. Bigger pond, more fish, all that stuff. Plus, you have high school dances, and all that stuff that I honestly never cared about and never attended. I avoided boys in high school. Really, I avoided high school almost altogether, but that is a loooong story. I had friends who dated. And truth be told, they did NOT have the most pleasant experiences. Their boy drama was enough to keep me occupied and to keep me single. I can't say that I've ever minded my independence; I've always been good at being alone. But, there does come a point where you get ready to move along in life, and having a partner doesn't sound too shabby. At this time, I still had faith in romance. I worked at a flower shop and I saw day in and day out just how romantic and loving men could be. Granted, we got a fair amount of men coming in to send flowers to their mistresses, but it was rare enough to not totally eradicate dreams of undying love. I also have to say that I've been pretty blessed to witness some amazing relationships and marriages within my group of friends and of course within my own family. Let's fast forward past some unimportant dating, some bad, some good, some that will never again be mentioned, and look at the summer of 2010. Things had ended, quite badly, with a long distance "friend". So what do I do? I go on a date a week later. Rebound? Yes, yes indeed. We shall call the man Idaho, since that's where he grew up. He was TALL and it was AWESOME. I mean, he had to have been like 6'4", and for me being 5'10" or so, it was perfect. He had red hair, which really isn't usually my thing, but whatever, I was hurting at the time and selfish, selfish me, needed someone to make me feel better. He also had lots of tattoos, which is TOTALLY my thing. Plus, the man adored me. He was almost 10 years older than me, and I must say, there is something to be said for that. Never in my life have I had a man compliment me more. Every time he would see me he would tell me how beautiful I looked, how lucky he was to have me in his life, etc etc etc. It was wonderful. And I was a horrible human being who used this sweet man to make myself feel better. I had to put a stop to it because soon, he was asking me how many kids I wanted and whether I would want a boy or a girl first. I still feel bad about the situation. Then, there was Barbary Coast. His nickname derives from a local biker bar where he bar tended. B.C. was about 6 years older then me and freaking adorable. He was part Mexican and was covered in tattoos, though I don't think he had as many as Idaho did. Our first date was awesome. We took TRAX, walked around downtown, and I even let him kiss me goodnight. You know how in Gone With the Wind there's that scene where Rhett kisses Scarlett, after her husband Frank's funeral, and Scarlett says something to the effect of "Don't, I shall faint"? I never would have thought a kiss could truly make someone feel that way, until B.C. kissed me. Good heavens, I could not see straight! It was like being drunk. It was amazing. It was fun. It was pure physical chemistry. But that's pretty much all that was between us. After things ended with him, I decided to take a break for a bit. Then, the beginning of this year, I met a new boy and I remember going home afterward and thinking "I'm gonna like this guy". But it wasn't romantic, at all. It was just friends. Good friends. We hung out all the time, almost every day. We had book nights, we played Scrabble, we even had sleepovers. I admit, after the first few couple of sleepovers, I was kind of offended that he hadn't tried to make a move, though I wasn't sure that's where I wanted the friendship to go. Then one night, it happened. And everything changed. For a while it was good. I liked where things were heading. But me and my stupid inability to communicate pretty much ruined things. I don't believe in regrets, but if I did...I'd regret not speaking when I should have because now that whole complicated mess haunts me. Out of all the boys I've ever known, he's the one that has gotten to me the most. And the odd thing is, there wasn't a lot of romance involved. Compared to my other relationships with men, it was fairly "quiet". No big, huge fireworks. No love drunk kisses. I know for myself, it was something deeper. And all this time I had these expectations of what I thought a love story was supposed to be. There aren't always fireworks, or instant attraction, or even extreme passion, and sadly, there aren't always happy endings. Love can hurt like hell, but it can feel like heaven too. Its funny how life can change our viewpoint. I always wanted a grand romance. Now, I want a best friend. Someone I can hang out with, even play Scrabble with, and someone that I will still want to do that with when I'm 99 years old. Sure, the heat and passion are great, but what do we have left when that fizzles, which it inevitably will? There is so much more to romance than that. And even though I had to get my heart broken, more than once, I wouldn't trade it. Knowledge is power, and knowing what you want, brings you that much closer to getting it. Do I still believe in romance? Hell yes. I believe in it, and I deserve it. But my idea of romance is definitely evolved. And I love it.

The Girl with an Indigo Aura...

I'm a sceptic. I think its just my nature. So a few months back, when my best friend convinced me to go get a massage and get some "energy work", I wasn't sure what to expect. To my very pleasant surprise, it was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Now, what is energy work, one might ask? In order to really appreciate and understand the practice, you have to first accept the idea that our body is made up of energy, and when that energy becomes imbalanced, we don't feel as well as we potentially could feel. The energy is broken down into seven chakras (wheels of energy). Each chakra is connected with different parts of the body. The first chakra, or muladhara (root chakra), is located at the base of the spine and is associated with the color red. This chakra is essentially our stability. Too much or too little of this energy can block our ability to create change. The second chakra, sacral (sexual chakra), is located in the pelivc region and is associated with the color orange. As one can guess from the name of this chakra, this energy is associated with passion and sex. Third chakra, also known as solar plexus chakra, is yellow energy that has to do with how we create balance within ourselves. The fourth chakra, anahata or heart chakra, deals with love, empathy, selflessness and other such things. Fifth chakra, the throat chakra, deals with communication and expression of self. The sixth chakra, known as ajna or brow chakra, is all about the "third eye". This is the chakra that deals with the concious and unconcious. If you can open your "third eye", allowing the energy to flow freely, you have the ability to put yourself in touch with one's innate, intuitive psychic self. The seventh chakra is known as the sahasrara or crown chakra. This is your connection to the divine; whether thats God, spirits, angels, etc., if the energy in this chakra is flowing the way its supposed to, you can open yourself to true sprituality, self-realization, and enlightment. Okay, so now that you know what I mean by "energy", you can better understand why it might need some work. When you visit Jess, the amazing, talented, gifted human-being who practices energy work, she can actually see each chakra, and can help restore the energy to its natural, flowing state. Honestly, I know how it sounds. When I first heard about it, I thought it was pretty far-out there. But now...I have to have this done every month. Whats amazing about the whole process, is truly how much BETTER you feel. Instantly. The last few months of my life have been, well, not the greatest. I've struggled. I've had a hard time dealing with the curve balls that have been sent my way, and have questioned over and over again why I've been dealt the hand that I've been given. You get to a point where you almost feel like you are simply existing, instead of living; standing still while the world around you moves on, and you're stuck, unable to move forward. The first time I had energy work is probably one of the most spiritual, life-enhancing moments of my life. I cried when I got back into my car. It was as if I had regained my purpose, regained self-worth and direction. I felt in tune, as crazy as it might sound. At my second session, we did what is called belief work. Now, that is more or less the practice of removing the negative thoughts, energy, etc. and replacing that negativity with something positive. For example, lets say you find yourself in a position of resentment. Someone has hurt you, and you feel it impossible to let go of the anger that has developed. In belief work, you acknowledge that pain, and you turn it around. Lets say someone leaves you, for any reason. You might feel abandoned, alone, sad, angry, hurt, broken, but what are those emotions doing to you? They're only tearing you apart on the inside. So, instead of carrying around that resentment, you ackknowledge that the person who hurt you is simply on their own journey. They have things within themselves to discover. Their path was meant to cross yours, but sometimes, we can only walk together for so long before you come to a fork in the road. Its all about ridding our mind and body of the negativity that will block our energy from flowing in the way its meant to. The amazing woman who does all this can also see your dominant color, or aura, or whatever you'd like to call it. Today, I was indigo. Strictly indigo, which is unique because usually, you have more than one color. There is usually a dominant and secondary color and mine usually tend to be green and yellow. Apparently though, this solid ingigo thing is GOOD. This is like being in warrior mode. I know what I want, and I'm going to get it and I'm not going to let people stand in my way, or tear me down. Words cannot even express how badly I needed the session I had today. So many changes this year, and even within the last few months, have really left me feeling emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally drained. Going to these energy work sessions has made such an enormous difference in my life. In many ways, they are almost like therapy sessions with a massage, and who doesn't need a therapist? And who doesn't like massages? Its amazing. Do it.

I Suck At Blogging, But My Brother Is A Missionary...

My baby brother is going on a mission!

MY baby brother IS going on a mission!

My BABY brother is GOING on a mission!

My baby BROTHER is going on a MISSION!

MY BABY BROTHER IS GOING ON A MISSION!!!

I cannot wrap my brain around this concept of my little brother, venturing off into the world (or Nashville, Tennessee to be exact). I remember when he was a baby! And now he is going to be going on a mission for two years. A MISSIONARY. My brother. I am so unbelievably proud of him. Its an extraordinarily selfless act to dedicate your life to the service of others for 2 years. He's going to come back a changed person. He will have experiences that will stay with him throughout his life. He will be a better man because of it. He will be a better husband. He will be a better father. As the oldest, I realize that I am the one who should be setting the example for my younger siblings. And yet, my little brother and little sister set the example for me. I cannot wait to see how he matures and grows during the two years that he'll be serving the Lord, and I am so excited for him. This year has been the most profound year of my life, for so many reasons. So much change has occurred, and I have learned SO much. I can honestly say that I have experienced the highest and lowest moments of my life thus far, this year. Lots of love, joy, and happiness that would not be appreciated half as much as they are if not for the heartache, tears, and sorrow. But I have to say, I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned. Seriously, so blessed. I have the BEST family, and was blessed to see that family grow with the addition of my sister in law and nephew. I have a job that I don't despise, and coworkers who make it easy and enjoyable to go to work. I have friends who are so supportive and giving and loving. I have been blessed with experiences and feelings and emotions that I have never felt before. I've found new people, new loves, new passions. I became closer to some of family members and those relationships have become so important to me.

Blessed. Blessed. Blessed.

And I don't deserve it.

"No Regrets,

No Expectations"

Fallen....

Having spent time this evening watching as women underwent radical, painful, life threatening, and extreme procedures to, supposedly, improve their appearance and become "beautiful", I find myself extremely disturbed and even a little bit angry. I think the reason this upsets me so much is because I am capable of understanding their desire to change their bodies in such a drastic way, simply to be considered attractive. All women are inundated everyday by images and messages that let us know we are not "good enough" as we are, that we are not beautiful, or sexy, or of worth. When we look in the mirror, do we see our beauty? No, of course not. All we look at are the so called flaws; My nose is too big, my teeth aren't white enough, I'm not thin enough, my arms aren't toned, I'm too "this", I'm too "that", not enough, not enough. It makes me question how we've gotten to this point. Of course, through out history there have been ideals of beauty, but really, the world we live in today is beyond ridiculous in its expectations of women and appearance. To some extent, I feel like we, as women, are to blame. Are we the sole cause? No, of course not, but is it any coincidence that women are more unhappy today than 50 years ago? What exactly did the feminist movement and the sexual revolution get us? Sure, we were liberated from our apron strings, but what have we traded them for? We are now imprisoned by an unachievable, unrealistic, unattainable image of beauty that wears us all down day after day, whether we ackowledge it or recognize it. Not only that, we have to balance our beauty in a whole new way. We can't be too sweet, too virginal. Yet we can't be too sexual. We're constantly doing this balancing act of Virgin Mary vs. whore archetypes in a society that is never satisfied with what we present. We have allowed our worth as human beings to be reduced to our physical desirability. Women needed more freedoms, needed more equality, there is no argument there. We deserve to be heard, to have opinions, and to be able to express ourselves just as much as a man. But by exercising our new found freedoms, by being openly sexual and opinionated human beings, we allowed ourselves to be turned into objects of desire and lust. I feel like as women, we've lost our divinity. We've reduced ourselves to something much less then we are worthy of, or were created to be. After all, women create and give life! There is nothing more God-like then that ability. We've lost sight of our worth in an attempt to please a society that is less then worthy of our consideration. We allow ourselves to believe that because we don't look a certain way, we are not beautiful, we are not enough, we are not worth being heard. And because we continually try and try to fit into this box of beauty, we allow the men around us to believe that this is how its just supposed to be. We hide our true selves from the men around us. We don't allow them to see us as we really are. How can we blame men for their lack of respect and their objectification of women, when we are continually allowing ourselves to be satisfied with the role of the objectified?

Long Time Gone

Why, oh why, am I sooo bad at blogging?! I really think I'd sleep alot better at night if I wrote down some of the randomness that occurs in my brain. The past few months have really been a time of change and of growth, no doubt about it. I've cut some negativity from my life, and though its been painful purging the poison, it feels amazing to start the healing process. I truly am a girl who has to learn her lessons the hard way. Thankfully, I'm beginning to actually LEARN and break away from unhealthy cycles and grow from these experiences; which is the whole point of existence isn't it? I have no regrets, and I refuse to regret some of the decisions I've made, because I am far and away a stronger person then I was before. If I were to regret a decision, it would mean I didn't take anything away from the experience. And I have learned an extraordinary amount. I know myself better, I know what I'm capable of, I have a better sense of what I want, what I deserve, where I want to be, who I want to be, and who I want in my life. I feel like I'm more aware and concious of the fact that every decision has a consequence, whether its positive or negetive. The things we do, the things we say, all have an impact, whether that impact is felt today, tomorrow, or thirty years from now, it will leave its mark somehow. And its impossible to tell the magnitude of the consequence. I almost feel like every decision changes someone else's world. We just don't take the time to contemplate the ripple effect of our choices. I think looking at my actions as though it were a drop in a pool of water, and seeing how the ripples extend from that drop, growing larger and larger, will help me to make wiser choices. Think of the simple change that is made to your day when someone smiles at you, especially if you're in a bad mood. That smile can change your attitude, and in turn, your change in attitude can change another person's, and they can change anothers, and so on, and so forth. We really are all more connected then we realize.