I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always, As Long As I'm Living, My Baby You'll Be

Dear Hunter,

I can't believe the day has finally arrived. Your due date. I always knew you wouldn't wait until the 30th, but never in my wildest imagination could I have expected you to arrive so soon. We said our "goodbyes" at the same time we said "hello". Sometimes, it still feels like a dream. Like I'll wake up tomorrow with a huge pregnant belly, and we'll be packing up our bags to go to the hospital to welcome you to the world. Daddy and I try to not be sad, but our arms are aching to hold you. I never knew how you could physically miss someone, how your arms could reach out for someone who is not there, how the emptiness can fill you up and you feel drawn to something you cannot have. Then there was you. I never knew I could miss someone so much because I never knew I could love someone so much! You are a part of me, and I am a part of you, though you are out of my reach here on Earth. We are eternally connected, and sometimes, I truly do feel you so close...your beautiful spirit fills up the emptiness inside me and we are one and whole again. I try and imagine what you would look like today, and I'm sure you'd be a chunky little thing. Would you have daddy's eyes? I wonder if you'd have my dark hair, or if you'd be blond like daddy. You did have daddy's nose, his mouth, even his feet. I never knew how much I loved daddy until I saw just how much daddy loves, and still loves, his son. He's a good man, and I know that's why you chose him. You probably had a hand in bringing mommy and daddy together, in fact. We hope you know that you will always be a part of our family, we hope you send us little brothers and sisters someday, and we will tell them all about you, their big brother. We'll tell them how you were so special, how you defied what doctors said and fought and kept your little heart beating for an hour and forty minutes, and we'll tell them how now you are our guardian angel, always with us and always watching over us. I long to hold you my son, and I know I will someday, but it just feels so far away. I like to think that for you, my sweet boy, it will be just like a blink of an eye. You're wrapped in the love and light of all our loved ones who have gone before, and I'm sure there was a beautiful reunion when you returned to them all. Do you know how much we love you? I'm sure you do. Every time I think of you, my heart swells, and sometimes that love runs out of my eyes. But every tear is just a message from me to you saying "I love you". You will always be our special little guy, our firstborn, and I cannot wait until the day we are together again. I'll probably never let you go, sorry in advance ;-)

Love,

Mommy

Why It's So Much More Than Weight Loss

When my husband and I first started seeing our grief counselor, one of the topics we discussed was how Hunter's loss had affected me and my body image. As a woman, you have certain expectations about pregnancy and childbirth, it's what your body is made for after all, right? When your body fails you, especially the way mine did, you question your value as a woman. In fact, I had a serious hatred for my body at first. I couldn't appreciate the fact that I had conceived a child, carried that child for 20 weeks, all I could focus on was the negative. My body had failed me, it had failed my son, and his loss affected so many others around me. I put the weight of his immense loss on my shoulders, and wore the shame of my body's ineptitude like a heavy coat. Not only had my body failed me, but now it was permanently changed. I looked different. Stretch marks on my stomach, pants that didn't fit though my weight quickly returned to pre-pregnancy status because I could barely bring myself to eat for weeks after Hunter's passing. When my milk came in, I sat and wept. It was the final straw. When you're pregnant and see your body going through these changes you have the mentality of "Well, it'll all be worth it when my baby is here." My baby wasn't here. And the anger and distrust I had towards my body only increased with every noticeable physical change. As time went by, and I was given the all-clear from my doctor to return to normal activity and resume working out, I was frustrated that things that used to require hardly any effort or energy were now exhausting and difficult. In discussing all these feelings with our counselor, she reminded me of something very important: these feelings of worthlessness, of not feeling deserving or of value all come from the adversary. She reminded me that this is how Satan works to try and tear women down, by making us feel like because physically we don't match up with some form of ideal, that we are not worthy of joy, of love, of happiness. These words have stuck with me. I'm still a work in progress, I am slowly learning to trust in myself again, to love who I am, and love my body and that is why this journey is so much more than seeing a number on a scale go down. I'm taking the power back. I had no control over losing Hunter. My body has a weakness, we all have them to varying degrees. I might not be able to control THAT particular aspect of my life, but I can control how I treat my body. My body carried life, and I so desperately want it to be able to do so again. I can't fix my I.C. without a cerclage, but I can sure as hell ensure that I am otherwise mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually in a much better place. I want to nourish and take care of my body; it is sacred, it is beautiful, and it is deserving of care and love. It's not going to be about how many pounds I lose one week, or how long I run for tomorrow, it is all about how I feel about myself. I want to fall in love with me again and I am bound and determined to find that serenity again within my own skin. This is all part of the healing process, and I know that every step I have taken since Hunter's passing has only made me stronger and a more powerful force in this world. I hope that end up a better wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend, and ultimately, a better mother because of it. As Dory says, "Just keep swimming" and I intend to.