Excitement and Mourning

Being a mother has been my life long dream and ambition. I've always had a hard time answering the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" because I never had any real professional desire other than motherhood. So when I discovered that motherhood was indeed in the near future for me, I was elated. Tears of absolute joy flowed freely, and I knew this was what was what I was born to become. As time has gone by, I still feel that joy, but I've also experienced something I didn't really anticipate. There have been times when I've felt downright depressed. And that feeling has caused a lot of guilt. Why am I feeling like this? Am I really that selfish? Then I read something that gave me great comfort. I was simply mourning the death of my old self, my old life. And it is totally normal. My life has drastically changed with this pregnancy. My body is no longer my own, I no longer have my weekends out with friends, having a few drinks, living my life for myself. The day I knew I was carrying life, gravity no longer held me to this Earth, the love and overwhelming devotion for my growing child did. Its the absolute "growing up" moment. And it has been hard. I don't see or talk to a lot of my friends, we're in different places now, we have different priorities. But I miss them. And I miss feeling like I'm a part of a group. I am trying to find my new identity as a wife and mother, and I know that with a little patience, and a lot of prayers, I will get there.

Love At First Sight: The Ultrasound

Tuesday was my very first appointment with my OB and everything was going perfectly. Until...the Doppler was put into use. The doctor just couldn't seem to find the heartbeat. Now, I had had serious anxiety about this happening for weeks. I just didn't want to have that moment of panic. And here I was, experiencing exactly what I had been dreading since finding out I was pregnant. The doctor really wasn't too concerned, everything during his examination was as it should be, I've still been sicker than a dog 75% of the time, and I hadn't experienced anything to suggest a miscarriage. But, thankfully, I think he could see the panic and fear in both my face and Taylor's, and was kind enough to send us down for an ultrasound for our peace of mind. As a first time mama, I have found anxiety and worry to be a constant pebble in my shoe. It lingers like a fog behind all the joy and excitement I feel, just waiting in the wings to overpower my sunshine-y day. So we were ecstatic to be able to have an ultrasound, but utterly disappointed and frustrated to have to wait almost 3 hours to have said ultrasound performed. Those were the longest hours of my life. I made the mistake of doing my own research on possible reasons for why no heartbeat was found, and really nothing I found did anything to ebb my growing panic and worry, it just increased every fear I could imagine. I had come to a point of preparing myself for the worst, which is typical me. By the time we left to go back to the ultrasound, I had to tell myself "Don't throw up, don't throw up" I was so tightly wound and jumpy. All I wanted was a healthy, growing baby. It's amazing the love you feel for your child, from the very beginning. I knew I'd be shattered if that ultrasound did not go well. Thankfully it didn't take long for us to be called back to the U/S room in Radiology, and I think I held my breath the entire time the tech was prepping me and the machine for the ultrasound. Now, from the lowest of lows, the most anxious moments of my life to the absolute most beautiful and surreal: seeing that little heart flutter. I thought that I'd experienced the greatest flood of emotion when I was first told I was pregnant, and boy was I wrong. I wish I could capture the overflowing of love and joy my heart felt at that moment, and keep it in a bottle. It was perfect. I was there with Tay, holding my hand, and we were watching our miracle. Hearing that heart beat was like every wish and dream I've ever had coming true. I know this is just the beginning, that there are many more milestones to come in this life and my role as a mother, but I want to always remember this moment. This moment where I first realized the depth of a mother's love, just the very tip of that ocean, and how it changed me forever. I'm so glad that Tay was there to share this moment with me. It was the most spiritual, life-altering experience. I feel humbled and blessed to be given this opportunity to be a mother, and I pray for the guidance and strength and wisdom to help my child grow into the person they are meant to be. And I hope my child always knows that I wanted them, that I prayed for them, that I loved them more than my own life from the minute I knew I was expecting them.

2013: The Year of Change

This year...wow. My life is completely changing this year. All for the better, but even good change, is still change. And change is HARD. I'll be gaining a husband and giving birth to our first child all within a few months. I made the decision to leave my job of almost three years. I'm going back to school to better myself, for my child. I'm moving out of my apartment in June, and moving back into my parent's home, with my new husband. With all this change, I can't help but recognize how immensely, richly, abundantly blessed I am. God has always been good to me, but especially this last year. Starting with my love, my other half, my husband to be, my everything: Taylor Scott Eldredge. He is the physical manifestation of an answered prayer. Never, ever, before have I felt more loved and safe. When he looks at me, I can see his love for me reflected in his eyes, in the softness of the smile he gets when we make eye contact. Love radiates from him, and that love has changed my life completely for the better. This is a love that I didn't know existed, but I sure hoped it did. We're best friends, we're lovers, we're made for each other. It's fun, it's playful, it's meaningful, but most of all, it's real. And it's mine. And this love has given me the greatest gift. Ever since I was little, little I've always known I wanted to be a mom and a wife. When I was 2 years old, I was going around a family reunion/party asking my other little cousins who they were going to marry when they grew up. It's always been an inate part of my identity. And now my dreams are coming true. It wasn't necessarily in the timing I had always hoped for, after all, we "had a plan". But life doesn't always cooperate, and now we're counting down the days until our little boy or little girl arrives in November. What a HUGE blessing. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this happiness in my life, but I will thank God with every breath for blessing me so profoundly.