There Is More Then We Can See...

On Sunday, my amazing husband paid for me to get a massage and some energy work. What is energy work you might ask?

"Energy work helps to restore the healthy balance of the energy field and its associated energy pathways, clearing blockages and addressing imbalances, thereby facilitating health and wellness, keeping the healthy flow of energy moving through your energy field. Energy work can also help release energy patterns that interfere with the healthy functioning of one's energy systems."

Now, if you're like me, you're just a natural born skeptic. I used to think of things like energy work, crystals, essential oils, etc and just automatically discredit the benefits. We have modern medicine, so that should be good enough, right? Well, a few years ago I discovered otherwise. At the time, I thought I was going through the most difficult trial I could imagine (which now seems like absolutely nothing compared to recent events). I was searching for a way to help myself feel better. I started going to the gym, started praying more, tried to meditate, but something just still felt off. So, my good friend suggested I go see her friend who is a massage therapist and an energy worker. Long story short, I was sold. It was, oddly enough, one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. Some people might roll their eyes at that, and that's fine. But who says you can only have a spiritual experience at church, or in a temple? You can have a spiritual experience just by taking the time to admire a beautiful sunset or sometimes just listening to a certain song can bring about a powerful connection to the divine. Anyway, this miracle worker, who also happens to be named Jessica, helped me find my way through a dark period, and truly helped me help myself by becoming more aware of my thoughts, my actions, and what kind of effect those things have on how I feel. And in light of the events of the past few months, I felt like it wouldn't hurt to go and see her again. BEST DECISION EVER! First off, if you've never had a massage, you need to change that. Like, right now. Pick up the phone, look somewhere up online, just go get yourself one. You will not regret it. I think we often forgot how healing touch can be both physically and mentally. Now a little bit more about my experience. My husband and I got to Jessica's new location (Soul Source Massage is the name), and even just the ambiance is tranquil: it smells delightful, there's soft music, those adorable little waterfalls with the trickling water....you just literally feel better even walking in the door. I went back into the room, we chit chatted for a minute about the changes in my life this year, nothing in too much detail, and then it was massage time. I got a half hour massage and then a half hour of the energy work. So what happens when Jess does your energy work might sound weird at first, but just follow me here. She stands holding your feet and then "connects" if you will, with your energy or chakras. She goes through each one, reminds you if you need reminding what each one is and what its function is, and then you work through fixing the energies that are imbalanced, clouded, or flowing incorrectly. I know, I know, it sounds weird. But trust me, this girl is the real deal. So I'm laying there, and we're going through my chakras and then Jess stops and says she has something to communicate with me and she just can't ignore it. Over my shoulder, was an older woman, holding a baby boy. This older woman was spunky, fiery, a real go getter type of person. And they were there to reaffirm to me that Hunter is safe. He's protected. He is with loved ones who have passed on before, and they are loving my baby and holding him until it's our time to reunite. I have two great-grandmothers and my grandma Leaf on the other side, and in some ways, she could be describing all of them. She could even be describing my great-great-grandmother who I never met, but who I've sure heard plenty of stories about as she was a ball of fire and personality. Jess then told me that I have a little girl who follows me closely and is most likely my daughter. She's apparently a spunky one too, will be such a fun, outspoken little girl, and will probably give me hell when she's a teenager. I guess if I get my little girl, my mom's wish of "I hope you have a daughter just like you someday!" will in fact come true. Jess also told me that Hunter, though he may look like his daddy, has his mama's personality and strengths. We are the same color, as far as auras are concerned. I was also told, big things are in the works for me and my family. Right now should be a time of preparation and planning because, according to Jessica, we will be preparing for baby number two to come along. If I'm not pregnant in the next 3 to 6 months, it would be surprising because that's just what the universe has in store for me and my husband! Now whether you think I'm crazy, or that I'm just grasping at straws here, doesn't matter to me. I had an amazing experience, once again, and feel more in tune with myself and with the divine because of this. If you're at all interested in visiting Jess yourself, just let me know! I'd be more than happy to pass along her information and help someone else have a relaxing and rejuvenating experience! Just keep an open mind, that's all I ask :)

People Always Ask, So Here's the Answer

People often ask me (or want to ask and don't because they're too worried about my reaction) why we lost our Hunter, after what was a perfectly healthy and normal pregnancy up to that point. I have what's called cervical incompetency. During a normal pregnancy, your cervix begins to thin and dilate because of contractions. With incompetent cervix, the growing pressure in the uterus causes the cervix to open, oftentimes without any pain or contractions, and usually occurring in the second or third trimester. It's a rare thing, only around 1-2% of pregnancies have this issue, but nearly 20-25% of second trimester miscarriages are caused by this. This is something I had never heard of, but after our loss, some of the things that happened at different OB visits made sense. I never completely understood why the nurse was pushing on my stomach during an internal ultrasound, or what it meant when they said "Oh, good! Cervix is nice and long." All I knew was "OK, well they said it was good so whatever that means, at least it's good!" Most of the time, incompetent cervix can only be diagnosed by experiencing what we experienced: preterm labor. After we had Hunter, we had the option of having an autopsy performed, but decided against it. We did, however, go with testing the placenta which showed I had chorioamnionitis, which is a bacterial infection in the womb and most often associated with prolonged labor (the good news is, it's kind of like chicken pox. Get it once, probably won't get it again.) Whether the incompetent cervix caused the infection, or whether it was a combination of the two, we'll never know.  But, we do know that things will be very different the next time we get pregnant. For starters, most women don't see their OB until around week 10, or at least before week 13. I will be seeing my doctor immediately. Like, placing a phone call to his office right after I see a second line on that pregnancy test. I will not only be seeing my OB, but a high-risk OB as well. I will most likely be taking weekly shots of progesterone during my second trimester, as well as bi-weekly ultrasounds during weeks 15-26 of the pregnancy. Before I hit 14 weeks, I will have a surgical procedure done to place a cerclage, which is where sutures are placed in your cervix and then removed when you hit about 34-36 weeks ( Most of the time, an emergency cerclage can be placed up until 4 CM. By the time doctor's checked me in the ER, I was dilated to 5 CM.) There will most likely be no sex during pregnancy, limited physical activity period, and my doctor has told me that strict bed rest (sometimes starting in the second trimester) is often prescribed. That could mean months of staying in bed, only getting up to use the restroom and to go to doctor appointments. It definitely won't be an easy experience, but I am willing to do anything and everything to make it to 40 weeks and deliver a healthy baby that we can bring home and raise. It's slightly terrifying to think of trying again, knowing the possibilities of complications and with the loss that we've already experienced. Sometimes these extra steps don't prevent another loss, but I refuse to let the fear chase away the possibility of joy. Someday, and hopefully someday soon, we will start on this journey again, and with the proper steps and help will hopefully give Hunter a little brother or sister. I want to share this information, not just to answer the questions many family and friends have, but also to bring awareness to this. I'm not the first to lose a child to an incompetent cervix, and unfortunately, I won't be the last. We are not alone in this, and this is something that more awareness needs to be brought to. It's treatable, it's possible to have a healthy baby, and if there was one thing, one piece of advice I could give to any first time mom it would be to listen to your body. I knew something was wrong, and even though my first visit to the ER left me with doctor's saying "You're fine", I knew that something was not okay. Listen to that voice. It won't lead you astray.

Finding Faith Through Adversity

I'm a big fan of reading, especially things that pertain to my current life situation. When I first found out I was pregnant, I got my "What To Expect When You're Expecting" book, I read articles online, other books about pregnancy, etc: I wanted to be "in the know." After I lost Hunter, I started reading about loss, particularly losing a child. One thing I noticed was that the loss of a child had the power to either break some one's faith, or strengthen it. I'd like to think I fall into the latter category. I've always had a deep faith in my Savior, in my Heavenly Father and always knew they were there. I wasn't always the best at talking to them, or attending church. I've definitely made mistakes in my life. I don't fit the cookie cutter mold of what a Mormon wife and mother would be. I have tattoos, I use the occasional curse word, I don't go to church on a regular basis, and I like a good cup of coffee. But regardless of whatever sin I've committed, my faith in the Divine remained intact and I knew I was loved unconditionally. When I was laying on that hospital bed in the ER, hearing that I was going to be giving birth to my son at only 20 weeks, and of course knowing what that meant because I read all I could get my hands on about pregnancy, I prayed. I prayed harder than I thought I would ever be capable of praying. It was probably the most sincere, heartfelt, prayer I've ever uttered. It echoed through my body and shook my soul: "Please, Lord, please don't take my baby. There has to be something you can do. I cannot live through this." I was wracked with guilt. I felt I was being punished. My husband and I weren't married at the time we became pregnant, and for a brief moment I forgot that my Heavenly Father isn't a vindictive being. I then proceeded to deliver my son a few hours later. But then, miraculously, he lived for an hour and forty minutes. Against all odds, against everything the doctor's told me would happen, his little heart beat for longer than any of us could have imagined. I was told he probably wouldn't even survive delivery, and if he did, he'd only live for minutes afterwards. My son was placed on my chest right after he was born, I got to see his little arms and legs move, and he even grabbed my finger. I think that was the answer to my prayer. There is Divine purpose in everything, and that hour and forty minutes wasn't for my son, it was for me as his mother and his father and our families. I had the privilege of seeing my son live. I think I was given that because Heavenly Father knew that the road we were embarking on would not be easy. It would be bumpy, rough, at times dangerous, and it would be exhausting. There is no prayer ever left unanswered. Sometimes, or it may seem even most of the time, we don't get the answer we want. But an answer always come, in some form or another. That's not to say I don't have my moments where I'm angry with God, where I feel that I didn't deserve this, my husband didn't deserve this, and neither did our families. There have been times where I've been alone, driving in the car, aimlessly roaming the roads trying to escape whatever emotion it is I'm feeling and I've yelled and screamed "Why? Why us? Why didn't I get to raise my son and so many others have that opportunity?" and the feeling I get afterwards is always the same. Comfort. It's as if I can hear the words in my head, "I know what you're feeling. I too know the pain the loss of a child brings. I weep when you weep, my heart aches when your heart aches. But someday you will understand. Someday you will have Hunter again." This can truly apply to any trial or hardship we come across in our lives. We all have our own "cross" to bear in this life and we all at times question "Why? Why us?". But this truth will always remain, we will not be required to carry that burden alone. As I reflect on everything we've suffered with losing our Hunter, there is a part of me, deep down, that feels I was prepared for this. Somewhere along the way, before I even came to this Earth, I was prepared. I knew this would be a major trial in my life and I knew why it had to be this way and I chose to be Hunter's mommy. And someday, I will have that knowledge and understanding again. I'm not alone in this trial, I am being carried. So let the bad days come, and they will continue for the rest of my life, hopefully  more sporadically than they appear now. I'll allow myself to grieve, to feel every emotion I feel, and I will not beat myself up for it. I am entitled to these feelings, just as I'm entitled to be called a mother. What could be more divine and more beautiful than a tear shed by a mother over the grave of her son? Didn't Mary weep when Christ was crucified? The fact that we have faith in the outcome of death and life after this one does not erase the emotions we feel when we lose someone we love. And you know what? It's completely okay. When Christ was summoned by Lazarus' sisters, he wept with them before he raised Lazarus from the grave. He knew that Lazarus would live again, yet he was so touched by their emotions, He himself could not help but weep. I know that the tears I shed are for myself, because my son doesn't know what pain or heartbreak is. He's surrounded by love and light always. And I will see him again.