Faith Sufficient

Today, a mom in one of the baby loss groups I'm a part of posted about teaching her child's primary class at church. The lesson is "To help the children strengthen their faith in Jesus Christ by learning that miracles occur according to Heavenly Father’s will when we have faith." She then asked if any other mom's have dealt with feeling like their faith wasn't sufficient for a miracle to occur. I immediately remembered laying on a hospital bed in the ER after the doctor left to call down another doctor from Labor and Delivery. I knew I was in labor, I knew I was dilated 5 cm, and I knew if my baby was born that night, he wouldn't survive. Never in my life have I prayed like I prayed in that moment, and truthfully, I hope I'm never in a position to pray that hard ever again. Every atom of my being was crying out. It was nearly physically painful, the utter despair and yearning for comfort and for some small, fragile, flicker of hope as a testament of my prayer being heard and answered. I felt so alone, so scared. Then the news came that there was nothing that could be done. I literally could not believe it. There was no way someone could pray that hard, plead that hard, and not be given some reprieve. Maybe my faith wasn't strong enough. Maybe this was punishment for my mistakes. I haven't been a regular church goer for years. My husband and I lived together before we were married. We got pregnant before we were married. I sat there and listed all the things I had ever done that could have been used against me and was sure that that was why this was happening, why my prayer seemingly fell to the wayside. Something that was already fragile, seemingly broke in that moment. Yet, over the past two years, though I still don't understand just why this happened, or what exactly we are supposed to learn from it, the realization that this wasn't a reflection of how little or how much faith I had and have has gradually taken hold. Sometimes we experience things because it is necessary for our growth. Faith cannot save us from everything. A diamond starts out as something ordinary, but through extreme pressure, becomes beautiful and strong. If our faith could save us from every single trial that crosses our paths, we wouldn't evolve and change. I will never be the same person I was before July 9th, 2013 and I hope, and pray, that that is a positive thing.