First Birthday Letter

My darling girl,

You're laying here in my arms, with your little hand resting on my cheek, and I can hardly fathom that it's almost been a year since the first time you were placed in my arms. What a journey you and I have been through together. I remember the day I first learned you were growing in my belly, and I loved you instantly. I wanted you so much, from the very beginning. You entered my life at a time when I was unsure of the world, and where I belonged in it. Your big brother's life and death changed me, and I was still trying to find my way out of the darkness of my grief at his loss. And then there was you. You saved me, my darling. You brought me back to life. There were times I missed your brother so much, I felt sure I would never know true joy and happiness again. I was lost and you found me. The first time I heard your little heart beating, it felt as though my heart finally started beating again. Do you know just how wonderful you are? You have been the light in the darkness, truly my rainbow after the storm. I will always remember the first time I felt you fluttering around in my tummy. I was so worried about the special surgery I had to have to help my body keep you safe so you could grow. I was praying and talking to you, fighting back the fears and doubts. And then, out of nowhere, there you were, reassuring me with little flutters. What a joy it was to feel you grow and move and roll and kick. I wish you could have seen your father's face the first time he felt you moving. I think you brought back the light to his eyes in that very moment. My pregnancy with you was not easy, but oh my sweetheart, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. The day you were born was, is, and will be one of the most cherished days of my existence. The moment you were born, it was like the world stopped spinning. There was peace and joy like I'd never known before, and when you were placed on my chest, I knew you'd have my heart for the rest of this life, and the next. You were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, and I couldn't get enough of you. You were minutes old, but it felt as if we'd always been together. In those quiet, early morning hours, when you'd wake to nurse then fall asleep on my chest, the feeling of your heart beating next to mine helped heal the broken pieces of my heart. I loved those moments, when it was just me and you. It felt like we were the only two people in the world. Watching you grow this past year has been the greatest privilege. I am so humbled and honored to be your mama. You already have such a sweet and sassy personality, I can't wait to see who you become in life, yet I wish I could keep you this small forever. I hope you always know just how special and important you are. You've been a gift to me, your father, and anyone who has the pleasure of meeting you and those big blue eyes. Your big brother made me a mother, but you, my sweet girl, have made me a mom. Thank you for choosing me.

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be. "

-Mommy